I have raised three kids during the height of social media, back when Snapchat was the shiny new thing and no one had a clue, except the creators, what mental havoc technology would wreak over our children. When it comes to parenting through the mash up of opinions and advice given in the early days, I admit I failed in about every way. In hindsight I would have done things so much differently.
I am sure most can relate that when trying to enforce rules in the home you must be consistent. I would be a drill sergeant for one minute but not the next. It was either make everyone turn in their phones at dinner, or it was free for all. I knew it was not good, but I did not ever set clear guidelines. So, what do I do today with two adult children and a16 year old, knowing that the device in their hands is a reason for anxiety and depression?
Technology Has Replaced Presence
I recently listened to an episode of The Mel Robbins Podcast, and her guest, Dr. Shefali, said some things that really hit home for me as a parent. She is an expert in family dynamics and is known as the pioneer of the conscious parenting movement.
Dr. Shefali and Mel discuss the high rates of anxiety and depression among our youth. Dr. Shefali says it is a symbol and a symptom of inner disconnect:
“We have seen technology take over our lives to the point where we are using technology as proxies, as surrogates for relationships. Children need presence, they need a parent who embodies the here and now attunement and alignment to thrive. When the parent is constantly distracted on a screen, using the screen as a proxy for their own anxiety management as medication, the child now is not getting the source of warmth, of connection, of soothing, safety, security, significance form the primary caregiver. They are also beginning to rely on the same devices, so this is why we have seen a greater incline in mental disease now more than ever before because our proxies have multiplied. We have a device in the back pocket, in the car, in the back of the car. We have batteries and chargers and adaptors and devices, so we are now replacing human-to-human connection, which is the core foundational essence of good parenting, so our children are feeling that lack.
Modern parenting with a phone in our hand, and we ourselves are not present and we are distracted and anxious and worried may be the direct cause of the anxiety the children are feeling.
This is not just one parent. It is all parents that were being swallowed by the system and we need to take the system to task. It takes all of us demanding a new way. We need to inform parents they can do it differently. That technology and social media are harming our kids. It takes courage but there is a way to do things differently.”
Education Starts at Home
I needed to be reminded of this: while statistics are trending to the negative as far as youth mental health, there are things we can do to turn it around.
I keep going back to the initial roll outs of Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram, and TikTok. We were so enamored with the new tech we could not see the consequences that lie ahead. I remember watching my teens go from present to lost in a matter of seconds. I say lost because when looking at their phones, there was an intense expression of concentration and emotion that didn’t exist while they were present. So I sat them down and discussed the repercussions and the finality of sending anything inappropriate to others including words and pictures. They were able to see the consequences in real time as a few kids have been expelled and basically dropped out of society as a result of impulsive decision to send something online.
The Surgeon General just called for a label on social media sites and warned that they are “associated with significant mental health harm for adolescents.” While this is a good start to bring awareness to the dangers of social media, the education still starts at home.
Tips for Talking to Kids About Social Media
So how do we begin to change things? I believe that by nature, the pendulum will inevitably swing back the other way…not all the way but some. I say this because I have seen it with my kids. My two oldest children are now off social media for long periods of time. They can feel the difference in their moods and how much time they have on their hands. My 16 year old is still in the “Snapchat is just the way we communicate” phase. I do know with time that one platform becomes not cool, but Instagram seems to be a constant.
The bottom line is that a parent who gives their child a phone is stepping into a minefield of problems. We now know, and they do too, that it is detrimental to their psyche. So how do we talk to them, really get them to listen about limiting their screen time and being safe online?
Here are some tips that might help you have the conversation. This is far from one and done, instead it is a continual open dialogue that you need to create so that when things do come up, the space is there for them to come to you.
- Do some research first. Ask them what social media platforms they use and why they like them. Look into how the apps work and what privacy settings your kids should know about and use.
- Use a non-judgmental, calm approach. Also, stick to the issue. This conversation is about their social media use, not about the time they came home late.
- Talk to them about appropriate behavior on social media and the consequences of negative behavior. Make sure to give examples of what appropriate information to share about themselves is. Also talk about how nothing is ever really gone from the internet even if it’s been deleted.
- Lead by example and set boundaries. This conversation won’t be impactful if you are also on your phone and/or social media all the time. But be honest with your kids; you know it’s a struggle. Come up with a plan together on what’s reasonable. Set boundaries around phone-free times to specifically work on in-person relationships.
More Resources
Another voice I am currently following is Nicole Runyon, a psychotherapist, parent coach, and keynote speaker. Her website is a wealth of information about adolescent mental health. One of her blogs, Excessive Screen Time Can Lead to Suicidal Outcomes Among Children and Adolescents, identifies the real dangers of social media.
If you really want to keep your kids safe from the dangers of technology, I suggest a Gabb phone. Nate Randle and Gabb have created a phone with no internet and no social media but with the ability for kids to keep in touch with their peers. Bravo! (I also had the opportunity to interview Nate on our podcast to dig into the issue of children’s mental health.)
You can also read resources like WebMD for more about talking to your kids about social media. Bottom line, is don’t give up! Keep the lines of communication open with your kids. Keep impressing the dangers of too much screen time. And most importantly, lead by example.
Elizabeth McKissick is the Director of Communications at Youturn Health. She has been in recovery for substance use disorder for 18 years. Elizabeth is a strong advocate for sharing her story in the hopes of helping others struggling with dependency and misuse.